I Hate Shakespeare (Voices, Sheila, Lady Macbeth)

Jerry: Hello, audience. I’m Jerry Springer Voices: Jerry, Jerry, Jerry
Jerry: And on a very special program today, we have two men who used to be good, good friends but now something has come between them and we’re going to try to get to the bottom of it Voices: Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!
Jerry: First, we have a military man, Gerneral Othello. Come on out here, General! Voices: Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!
Jerry: And now, we have Othello”s very good friend, he’s also in the military, please welcome Iago Voices: Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!
And I think you know who that empty chair is for. When a friendship between two men goes this wrong, there’s got to be a woman involved! Let’s meet her. Here she is – Desdemona! Voices: Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!
Desdemona: Yes, Jerry, he did. Voices: Boo! Boo!
Desdemona: Of course I do! What kind of trashy girl do you take me for? Maybe I don’t have book smarts like you do but I know what love is and it doesn’t change even if you’re dead and strangled and your face is all purple and your tongue is sticking out and you look like a mess Voices: Cheers off
Jerry: You don’t know Voices: Boo! Boo!
Desdemona: That’s a lie! That’s a lie and you know it! You take that back! Voices: Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!
Jerry: What have we learned here today? It’s true that you can’t really make someone believe something they don’t deep down want to believe so be sure that you’re sure that what you believe is worth believing. Take care of yourself and each other. Voices: Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!
Ted: How’s this Sheila? Sheila: It’s great, Ted!
Ted: It was swell of you to suggest a picnic Sheila: It was swell of you to think of the beach
Ted: You sure look swell in that bathing suit Sheila: It sure is swell of you to say so
Ted: Don’t those ocean swells look swell? I’m going to learn to surf someday. Sheila: Really? That’d sure be swell
TV Man: You’re enjoying a great day out at the beach with your best girl, your favourite sandwiches, a cold drink. It couldn’t be sweller. And then, out of the blue… trouble! Sheila: Hey! That man kicked sand on me!
Dick: Say, you’re right. Ma’am, I’m really so terribly sorry… Sheila: Thank you
Dick: … that you’re forced to spend the day with such a diminutive, irresolute, pathetic washout! Sheila: Well, I never!
Dick: Wouldn’t you rather be spending your time with a well-spoken, erudit scholar like myself? Sheila: Ted! Say something!
Ted: That is really very… uhm… uncalled for… Sheila: Is that the best you can do?
Dick: Well Sheila: I’m sorry, Ted. I like a man with a strong vocabulary and well… he really has it.
Ted: It was swell of you to suggest a picnic. Sheila: It was swell of you to think of the beach. Hey! That man kicked sand on me
Dick: Say, you’re right. Ma’am I’m really so terribly sorry… Sheila: Thank you
Dick: That you’re forced to spend your day with such a diminutive, irresolute, pathetic washout Sheila: Well I never! Ted! Say something!
Ted: Methink’st thou art a general offence and every man should beat thee! Sheila: Ted!
Ted: Now leave, thou lump of foul deformity! You are a equalling pox-marked varlet and you are not worth another word, else I’d call you knave. Sheila: Ted! I’ve never seen this side of you! Say another one.
Ted: He was a churlish dismal-dreaming puttock that hast no more brain than I have in mine elbows Sheila: Oh, Ted!
Macbeth: Dear Wife. How are you? I am fine. Guess what? The war is over and we won! Just a minute ago, I met three witches and the weirdest thing happened… Lady Macbeth: … so maybe I’ll be King someday and you’ll be Queen. Wouldn’t that be neat? Well, see you soon. Love, your husband, Macbeth.Sorry! Imagine – Queen Me! Bow down, you filthy peasant scum, or I’ll crush you like a worm! But when, when? Duncan could live for years yet. And he’s got those two sons of his. It’ll be murder coming up with a scheme to get rid of them.Why there’s the doorbell! Come in!
Duncan: What was that? Lady Macbeth: Nothing. Kind Duncan
Duncan: Lady Macbeth. My bad, my bad. Uh, I thought I’d drop by to visit my favourite Thane. I just gave him a promotion, you know. Lady Macbeth: I know! That’s so thoughtful. I’d… uh… show you to your room so you can freshen up but I’m… uh… needed here. It’s the third door down on your left!
Duncan: Wait! Do I have to go off right now? Lady Macbeth: What?
Duncan: That’s my whole part? I had to come to all those rehearsals for two stupid lines? Lady Macbeth: Just go!
Duncan: Fine! Then I shall go to my room anon. Thank you for your hospitatlity, Lady Macbeth! Lady Macbeth: What the heck?
Hamlet: Just keep going! Lady Macbeth: The raven himself is hoarse taht croaks the fatal entrance of Duncan under my battlements. Come, thick night, and pall thee in the dunnest smoke of hell, that my keen knife see not the wound it makes, nor heaven peep through the blanket of the dark, to cry ‘Hold, hold!’
Macbeth: What? Lady Macbeth: Let’s kill him! Let’s murder him most foul and make it look like his servants did it. Then we can get rid of his sons and make ourselves King!
Macbeth: If it were done ’tis done, then ’twere well it were done quickly. Lady Macbeth: Easy for you to say. I’ll get the knives
Macbeth: Wait! WE will proceed no further in this business; He hath honour’d me of late; I am his kinsmen and his subject, strong both against the deed; and as his host, who should against his murderer shut the door, not bear the knife myself. Lady Macbeth: For God’s sake! You’re not going to pull a Hamlet on me are you?
Hamlet: Hey! Lady Macbeth: Do you want to be king or not?
Macbeth: Yes! But what if we fail? Lady Macbeth: But screw your courage to teh sticking place, and we’ll not fail. When Duncan is asleep I’ll get his bodyguards drunk and they;ll pass out. We do the bloddy deed, from teh bodyguards by planting knives on them and we’re in the clear!
Macbeth: What about his sons? Lady Macbeth: We’ll get rid of them somehow. Are you with me?
Macbeth: Yes! Lady Macbeth: You won’t regret it!
Macbeth: I have done the deed! Lady Macbeth: Why did you bring these daggers from the place? They must lie there: go carry them; and smear the sleepy grooms with blood
Macbeth: I’ll go no more: I am afraid to think what I have done; Look on’t again I dare not Lady Macbeth: Infirm of purpose! Give me the daggers: the sleeping and the dead are but as pictures: ’tis the eye of childhood that fears a painted devil
Macbeth: Will all great Neptune’s ocean wash this blood clean from my hand? No, this my hand will rather the multitudinous seas in incarnadine, making the green one red. Lady Macbeth: My hands are of your color but I shame to wear a heart so white
Macbeth: I don’t feel so good. Lady Macbeth: Just wash it off. Shesh – what are you, a little girl?
Unhappy person: Lovely party Lady Macbeth: Thank you. You don’t see any blood on my hands do you?
Unhappy person: no Lady Macbeth: Good! Lately. I’ve had the strangest feeling that my hands are covered in blood and I can’t wash it off. Isn’t that the oddest thing?
Macbeth: Dear, sometimes you say the craziest… Banquo? Lady Macbeth: I don’t think he came
Macbeth: But he’s right there! He’s looking at me, staring at me, with those horrible eyes! He’s pointing at me! He’s accusing me of killing him! Can’t you see him? Lady MacBeth: Get a hold of yourself! I’m araid the party’s over. My husband seems to have suddenly become a deranged lunatic
Unhappy person: That’s one way to clear the room Lady Macbeth: Get a grip, would you!? You’re going to blow this for us!
Macbeth: I saw him, I tell you, plain as day! Lady Macbeth: Look, why don’t you go have a word with those witches? They’ll put your mind at ease.
Hamlet: Oh, I love this part! Lady Mac is going crazy! She’s sleepwalking! Lady Macbeth: Yet here’s a spot. Out, damned spot! Out, I say! Who would have thought the old man to have had so much blood in him. What, will these hands ne’er be clean? Here’s the smell of blood still: all the perfumes of Arabia will not sweeten this little hand. Oh, oh, oh!I tell you yet again, Banquo’s buried, he cannot come out on’s grave. To bed, to bed! there’s a knocking at the gate. What’s done cannot be undone. ~ To bed, to bed, to bed!
Hamlet: And she kills herself! Lady Macbeth: SCREAM

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