I Hate Hamlet (Felicia Dantine)

Andrew: Oh my god Isn’t it fabulous? I’m so glad you took it sight unseen. I just knew it was perfect.
Andrew: I was thinking of, you know, something … less But it’s a landmark! John Barrymore, the legendary star! And now you, Andrew Rally, from LA medical! I loved that show! You were adorable! Why did they cancel it?
Andrew: I don’t think I can live here , this isn’t what we discussed I know I know — but honey, I’m not just a broker. I want you to be happy! You belong here.
Andrew: I’ll move back to my hotel, it’s fine But your things are here! It’s a match! You and Barrymore!
Andrew: Please, I’m no Barrymore Of course you are, Dr. Jim Corman, rookie surgeon! I even love those commercials you do! what is it — Tomboy chocolate?1
Andrew: It’s a breakfast cereal And…?
Felicia: And…? With Andrew: “An anytime snack!” I love it! I love that ad! (Pick up phone) Hello? He sure is!(Pass phone to Andrew) For you! Your first guest!
Andrew: It’s my girlfriend. She can’t wait to see the place. Do I know her? Was she on your show?
Deidre: oh Andrew, just being here makes you a part of history! And I’m the broker!
Andrew: I’ll get it Hi, Felicia Dantine.
Andrew: Hello? Come on up. Isn’t this place amazing? The Barrymore thing? The morning it comes on the market, I get Andrew’s call.
Deidre: No. Two famous actors! It’s freaky. Are you in the business.
Lillian: I am Andrew’s agent. The scum of the earth. Hi Felicia Dantine. Real estate. I win.
Andrew: Lillian — you had a fling here? In this apartment?
Deidre: Lillian — you and… Barrymore? Here?
Andrew: The open-air theatre, by the lake? I went once. It poured. Right on Coriolanus. Didn’t help. They kept going.
Deidre: Wouldn’t it be great if we could like, go back and tell Barrymore? Why?
Deidre: I bet this all happened for a reason. ‘Cause you were cancelled! (Sniff) I get this feeling sometimes, in special apartments. About the people who lived there. Barrymore? Barrymore!
Lillian: What was that? The church down the street. The clock in the bell tower.
Deidre: HE comes when the clock strikes one. Which means…?
Deidre: But what if it’s an omen? Right. Barrymore. Hamlet. The connection. Maybe he’s trying to contact us.
Deirdre: Andrew! Wait guys. You know — I’m psychic.
Lillian: What do you mean? I’ve made contact. With the other side. I go into this pre-conscious state, like a trance. And I speak to a spirit guide.
Andrew: A spirit guide? Yeah my mom. We were real close. After she died, I went into such a slump. I tried everything., therapy, encounter groups, you name it. Finally I saw this ad for a course — “Spiritual Transcommunication: Beyond the Physical Sphere.”
Deidre: Contact Barrymore. A seance. Right now. I’ve never tried anyone but Ma. But I’m game!
A: Do we need candles? Candles are great!
D: Felicia, what about this table? Perfect.
A: Oh my god. Felicia, is this how you usually operate? Seances? Shakespeare? Honey, I’ve been a broker for almost 15 years. Try human sacrifice. And cheese. Okay, everybody sit. How should we do this? I know — first I’ll try to contact Ma, then see if she can get ahold of Barrymore. Now hit the lights, okay, hon? I’m gonna enter this trance state, so Andy, think about what you want to ask Barrymore.
D: I’m sure Felicia never deals with people… down there Well, if I have a legal problem… okay everybody, put your hands on the table, palms down, it helps with the flow. Now close your eyes. Now just clear your minds, totally blank, clean slate. Deep even breathing. (Convulsion) Yeah Ma, it’s me… fine, fine, you? (To group) I got her!… Ma listen to me, I need your help, I’m here with Andrew Rally … yeah, “LA medical” … Ma listen he wants to talk to someone, over there … no Ma he’s seeing someone … Ma , I think he’s having a career crisis, he’s gonna do Shakespeare, and he needs to talk to Barrymore, right John Barrymore from the movies… okay, okay, —- hang on … (to A) she needs to know, what do you want to ask Barrymore? What’s your question?
D: Don’t say that! Did you see anything? A sign? A woman with rhinestone glasses?
D: He could still appear Sometimes you gotta bribe em — the spirits. You need something they really liked, when they were alive. Especially the first contact
D: What did you use? It was tough, I tried everything. Jewelry, sponge cake, finally i just said Ma, it’s after 10, the rates are down. Bingo! Should we try again?
L: I only wanted a look at the place. I’d better split too before it starts pouring
L: I will make them bleed It’s a great space. Don’t listen to me, I say that in cabs. Someday they’re gonna say, Andrew Rally lived here
A: Out! Bye kids!
D: Opening night! Hamlet! So where is he? Doesn’t he have to get to the theater?
D: And he talks to Barrymore Really? He got through?
D: No, he just imagines. I catch him at it all the time. Do you think he’s here? Watching over us? Barrymore?
D: Bless this evening! Bless Andrew! Honey, you better calm down
D: how do you know? If you’re really in ultimate love? If it’s Shakespeare? What’s to know? Andrew’s the best. I mean, he’s a star, he must have girls coming out of the woodwork. And he’s waiting for you.
D: I mean, anyone alive. Hon?
D: And I want to love someone like Hamlet, or King Arthur, or Socrates. You’re rich, right?
D: No, why? Well, they way you think, I mean I love it, but, you don’t have to make a living, right?
G: Hey — big night! Hot stuff! I can’t wait!
D: He’s going to be glorious! Don’t even think that! I hope he’s good. Although, you now, with Shakespeare — how can you tell?
G: Your turn Andy boy. I gotta car downstairs — anybody? A car? A limo?
G: You gotta come down to Beverly Hills I know, I dream about it. Beverly Hills — that’s my Hamlet
G: We’re going we’re going! We’ll see you after. Lock at you! You’re so adorable! Just like Peter Pan, but for the evening!
B: Three million dollars? When would you need me? Gar?
G: Babe — in the car. We’re gonna miss the plane
A: Felicia? Hi hon.
A: In the kitchen Hon, what can I say? Last night — were you terrific or what? I mean the part I saw
A: The part you saw? Well, I caught the first act, where you were so confused. But at intermission I got thirsty, and Gary has a bar in the limo and
B: Perfection! Yeah! and all thanks to you — and Shakespeare!
A: So you only saw one act — both of you? Honey I’m sorry. So how did it end? You’re king now, right?
A: Felicia, are you going away with Gary? Yeah, to LA. Long weekend (pause, look at apartment) This is a great place. I told you. I just wish we could’ve contacted Barrymore. But I’ve been thinking — you know, maybe ghosts don’t really exist? Even Ma, maybe it’s all in my mind. No afterlife, no other side — nothing. Who knows?

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