I Hate Hamlet (Deidre)

Andrew: “…look at this place – I mean is there a moat?” Deidre: Andrew…?
Andrew: Yes, Deidre? Deidre: Andrew…am I… here?
Andrew: this is it D: oh andrew…his walls… his floor… the staircase to his roof…the air he breathed…oh andrew, just being here makes you a part of history.
Felicia: And I’m the broker! Deidre: I worship you!
Felicia: The morning it comes on the market, I get Andrew’s call Deidre: NO!?
Andrew: Lillian you have a fling here? Felicia: In this apartment? D: With who?
Andrew: Barrymore? D: Lillian – you and … Barrymore?
Lillian: … And Andrew has such marvelous news – does everybody know? D: What? What news?
Andrew: I haven’t told because… I’m not sure how I feel about it. D: What? Andrew, what haven’t you told me?
Felicia: It poured. Right on Coriolanus. Didn’t help. They kept going. D: What? Tell us!
Andrew: … All’s Well, and … another one. Which one?
Andrew: HAMLET Oh my God. Wait. Laertes?
Andrew: Hamlet. The LEAD?
Andrew: yeah, HamletLillian: … extraordinary? You… are…playing…Hamlet? My boyfriend is playing Hamlet?
Lillian: Schnookie – we are talking about HAMLET Wouldn’t it be great is we could like, go back in time and tell Barrymore?
Felicia: Why? I mean, he was the greatest Hamlet of all time – isn’t that what people say?
Lillian: That is true. And Andrew, you know – he lived here for many years. Perhaps when he played Hamlet. And now you’re here – I bet this is all happening for a reason!
Felicia: … the clock in the belltower. Andrew: But… its six o’clock. It only struck once. Oh my God. Just like in HAMLET. Right before the ghost of Hamlet’s father appears. He comes when the clock strikes one.
Andrew: that we live in New York. Where everything’s broken But what if it’s an Omen?
A: yeah, maybe he’s the one who’s been slipping all these take-out menus under the door. Andrew!
Felicia: Don’t joke. Maybe he’s … around. It’s possible. Totally. oh my God. what if we could reach out to him, across time and space? Wouldn’t that be a great idea?
Felicia: Wait. Guys. You know – I’m psychic. Oh My God!
Lillian: No. Why break a habit? The clock. This apartment. Hamlet. This is preordained. I think we should do it.
Andrew: Do what? Contact Barrymore. A seance. Right now.
Lillian: … Barrymore might return. As he promised me. Lillian – were you really here? With Barrymore?
Felicia: Candles are great Felicia, what about a table?
Felicia: perfect This is just like at the beginning of Hamlet, when the guards call out to the ghost. Stay Illusion! If thou hast any sound or use of voice, speak to me!
Lillian: If there be any good thing to be done that may to thee do ease and grace to me speak to me! O, speak!
Lillian: May I smoke? Does anyone mind? Oh Lillian, it’s such a terrible thing to do, and we all love you so much, do you have to?
Lillian: Very well. You know I really must stop Smoking?
Felicia: … so Andy, think about what you want to ask Barrymore Has he met Shakespeare?
Lillian: Is is hot? Lillian, Barrymore is not in Hell. I’m sure Felicia never even deals with people..down there.
Felicia: … She needs to know what do you want to ask Barrymore? What’s your question? Andrew, ask!
Andrew: Ask him what? Ask him about Hamlet!
Andrew: … I hate hamlet! Lillian: Andrew! Don’t say that! Felicia!
Felicia: … what happened? did I get her? Ma? You talked to her, and she tried to contact Barrymore, but something happened! There was lightning!
Felicia: Did you see anything? … A woman with rhinestone glasses? I don’t think so…
Lillian: Everywhere I look, I am disappointed. You must have faith. Barrymore would insist. He could still appear
Felicia: Sometimes you gotta bribe ’em … especially the first contact Really? What did your mother like? What did you use?
Felicia: … the rates are down. Bingo! Should we try again? Of course!
Felicia: Someday they’re gonna say, Andrew Rally lived here! A great Hamlet!
Lillian: Wait. My Hairpin! Andrew! HAMLET … why didn’t you tell me?
Andrew: And I knew you would tell me I have to do it. Of course you have to!
Andrew: … Because everyone’s supposed to dream about playing Hamlet? No – because it’s the most beautiful play ever written. It’s about how awful life is, and how everything gets betrayed. But then Hamlet tries to make things better. And he dies!
Andrew: Which tells us… At least he tried!
Andrew: ..I don’t need Hamlet But Andrew – you went to drama school
A: only for two years But wasn’t it wonderful? The great – Ibsen O’Neill – nothing under four hours. And Shakespeare – didn’t you love it?
A: Sometimes. But I left. Why?
A: That’s what California is, it’s one big hug – it’s Aunt Sophie without the pinch Andrew, Jim Corman was terrific, but now you’re back.
A: ..HAMLET. That’s not the plan! Of course it is! It’s your old plan, your real one! You know the only thing that would be better? Better than Hamlet?
A: cliff notes? ROMEO AND JULIET. Remember, when we did that scene in class? O, swear not by the moon the inconstant moon That monthly changes in her circled orb lest that thy love prove likewise variable
A: What shall I swear by? Do not swear at all, Or if thou wilt, swear by thy gracious self Which is the god of my idolatry, And I’ll believe thee
A: My heart’s dear love.. Oh, Deidre Andrew…
A: Will you … stay? Yes. Upstairs. Isn’t there an extra room? On the roof?
A: Deidre Andrew – you said you understood. I can only give myself to the man I’ll love forever. The man I’ll marry.
A: So marry me! Andrew, that’s so sweet!
A: … And you almost make me believe. You ARE Juliet. Exactly! And you’ll be Hamlet! I can see it! Andrew, I do want to get married, and I do want to have sex, it’s just … I’ve waited so long. I have so much invested in this. I mean, if it wasn’t absolutley perfect it would all just be WASTED. I’d feel so silly.
A: … you’re a 29 year old virgin… I think fear of silliness is not the issue. Oh, but won’t it be wonderful, once I know for sure? Won’t you be glad that we waited?
A: Deidre sex is wonderful… even Laura Ashley had sex. That’s true…
A: when will you know? When will you be sure? Soon… maybe. I know I’m being impossible, but it’s not because i’m being a prude. I just want – everything! And it’s happening!
A: it is? Of course! You’re going to be Hamlet, and I”m going to be… OPHELIA. Oh, Andrew could I audition? Would they let me?
A: I guess I could ask them… Would you? And it wouldn’t be sleazy, because I’m not sleeping with you! Isn’t that perfect!
A: Deidre, that’s nuts. It’s like.. show business for mormons. It’s going to be the best! Good night sweet –
A: Don’t say it! If I can’t have sex, I don’t know why I should play Hamlet. Sweet Prince!
Barrymore: … “communication?” That absolute assassin of romance? Andrew?
Barrymore: Darling Who were you talking to?
Andrew: No one. I was just… running my lines. The soliloquies I’ve been reading your Barrymore book. He was incredible.
Barrymore: Nymph But his life – it was so tragic. Did you know, he was a major alcoholic. Toward the end, when he couldn’t find liquor, he would drink cleaning fluid.
Barrymore: A black lie! And perfume
Barrymore: As a chaser I mean, he was magnificent, but he was married four times.
Barrymore: I was? He would fall madly in love with these women, and then he’d become insanely jealous. And then he’d cheat on them. Andrew – I want you to promise me something. I know that Barrymore is your hero, and that we should all worship him, but please – promise me you’ll never be anything like him. Do you promise?
Andrew: good days. Oh no. He was… well, do you know, the first time he had sex, he was only fourteen?
Barrymore: which book is this? With his own stepmother. Can you imagine?
Barrymore: I’m a freudian bonus coupon. And after that there was no stopping him, he must have been with every woman in New York. He was a matineed idol before he did Hamlet. He starred in these trashy plays, and women would swoon right in the aisles. There are these pictures of him – from when he was young. He was so …. cool.
A: Deidre? Look at this picture – it’s him rejecting Ophelia. See he wore all black, sort of open at the neck. And tights.
A: Shut Up! What? What do you mean? Oh, I get it you’re treating me the way Hamlet treats Ophelia. Andrew, do you think Hamlet slept with Ophelia?
Barrymore: only in the chicago company Andrew: Shut Up! Oh, Andrew. Hamlet’s so mean to Ophelia. He says, “Get thee to a Nunnery.” A nunnery! OH, if you ever said that to me… I’d die.
Andrew: I’m not kidding. Oh Andrew, say it. Like in the play.
A: What? Get thee to a nunnery? No – like Barrymore!
Barrymore: Barrymore. Begin! … andrew…
Andrew: TO A NUNNERY! YES!!
Andrew: .. that it were better my mother had not born me! NO!
A: With more offenses at my beck than I have thoughts to put them in … Andrew, this is making me very nervous
A: Go thy ways to a nunnery! NO! My Lord Hamlet!
A: Fair maiden NO! GO AWAY! Hello? (into phone)
A: I was almost there! I was going to have sex! It’s Gary!
Gary: Dee Dee! Gary! What are you doing here? Why aren’t you in LA?
Gary: Talk-time Andy man. Fusion has occurred. Yes! I’ll let you guys talk. I’m going to finish my reading. My liege?
Andrew: yeah, to a nunnery. Oo0ooh! (runs upstairs and out the door)

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