“I Hate Hamlet” Cues and Lines

Andrew: Oh my Felicia: Isn’t it fabulous? I’m so glad you took it sight unseen! I just knew it was perfect!
Andrew: It’s amazing, but… Gee, I’m sorry. This isn’t what we talked about. I was thinking of, you know, something… Less. Felicia: But it’s a landmark! John Barrymore, the legendary star! And now you, Andrew Rally, from LA Medical! I loved that show! You were adorable! Why did they cancel it?
Andrew: Bad time slot, shaky network- I don’t think I can live here, this isn’t what we discussed. Felicia: I know, I know- but honey I’m not just your broker. I want you to be happy! You belong here.
Andrew: Don’t worry, it’s my mistake, I’ll move back to my hotel, it’s fine. Felicia: But your things are here! It’s a match! You and Barrymore!
Andrew: Please, I’m no Barrymore. Felicia: Of course you are, Dr. Jim Corman, rookie surgeon! I even love those commercials you do! What is it- Tomboy Chocolate?
Andrew: Trail Burst Nuggets. It’s a breakfast cereal. Felicia: And…?
Felicia and Andrew: An anytime snack! Felicia: An anytime snack! I love it! I love that ad!Hello? He sure is!For you! Your first guest!
Andrew: It’s my girlfriend. She can’t wait to see the place. Felicia: Do I know her? Was she on her show?
Deirdre: Oh, Andrew… His walls… His floor… The staircase to his roof… The air he breathed… Oh Andrew, just being here makes you a part of history! Felicia: And I’m the broker!
Andrew: I’ll get it. Felicia: Hi. Felicia Dantine.
Andrew: Hello? Come on up. Felicia: Isn’t this place amazing? The Barrymore thing? The morning it comes on the market, I get Andrew’s call.
Deirdre: No. Felicia: Two famous actors! It’s freaky. Are you in the business?
Lillian: Hello I am Lillian Troy. I am Andrew’s agent. The scum of the earth. Felicia: Hi. Felicia Dantine. Real estate. I win.
Andrew: Lillian- you had a fling here? Felicia: In this apartment?
Deirdre: Lillian- you and… Barrymore? Felicia: Here?
Andrew: Well… You know Shakespeare in the Park, right? The open-air theatre, by the lake? Felicia: I went once. It poured. Right on Coriolanus. Didn’t help. They kept going.
Lillian: Because you are talented. You auditioned five times. They saw something. Felicia: Dr. Jim Corman! You’ll pack the place! I’ll even come! Is it the real Hamlet? Or like, a musical?
Deirdre: Wouldn’t it be great if we could like, go back in time and tell Barrymore? Felicia: Why?
Deirdre: And now you’re here- I bet this is all happening for a reason. Felicia: Cause you were cancelled! I get this feeling sometimes, in special apartments. About the people who lived there. Barrymore! Barrymore!
Lillian: What was that? Felicia: The church, down the street. The clock in the bellflower.
Deirdre: Oh my God. Just like in Hamlet. Right before the ghost of Hamlet’s father appears. He comes when the clock strikes one. Felicia: Which means…?
Deirdre: But what if it’s an omen? Felicia: Right. Barrymore. Hamlet. The connection. Maybe he’s trying to contact us.
Deirdre: Andrew! Felicia: Don’t joke. Maybe he’s… Around. It’s possible. Totally.
Lillian: Don’t ask me about great ideas. I am German. Felicia: Wait. Guys. You know- I’m physic.
Lillian: What do you mean? Felicia: I’ve made contact. With the other side. I go into this pre-conscious state, like a trance. And I speak to a spirit guide.
Andrew: A spirit guide? Felicia: Yeah- my Mom. We were real close. After she died, I went into such a slump. I tried everything, therapy, encounter groups, you name it. Finally I saw this ad, for a course- “Spiritual Transcomminication: Beyond The Physical Sphere”.
Lillian: So you talk to your mother? Felicia: Right. Is your mom gone too? Would you like to contact her?
Deirdre: Contact Barrymore. A seance. Right now. Felicia: I’ve never tried anyone but Ma. But I’m game!
Andrew: Do we need candles? Felicia: Candles are great.
Deirdre: Felicia, what about a table? Felicia: Perfect.
Andrew: Oh my god. Felicia, is this how you usually operate? Seances? Shakespeare? Felicia: Honey, I’ve been a broker for almost fifteen years. In Greenwich Village. Try human sacrifice. And cheese. Okay, everybody sit. How should we do this? I know- first I’ll try and contact Ma, and then see if she can get ahold of Barrymore.
Lillian: No- asking. Felicia: Now hit the lights, okay, hon? I’m gonna enter this trance state, so Andy, think about what you want to ask Barrymore.
Deirdre: Has he met Shakespeare? Felicia: Okay everybody, put your hands on the table, palms down, it helps the flow. Now close your eyes. Now just clear your minds, totally blank, clean slate. Deep, even, breathing.Yeah Ma, it’s me… Fine, fine, you? I got her!… Ma listen to me, I need your help, I’m here with Andrew Rally… Yeah, LA Medical… Ma, listen, he wants to talk to someone, over there… No Ma, he’s seeing someone… Ma, I think he’s having a career crisis, he’s gonna do Shakespeare, and he needs to talk to Barrymore, right, John Barrymore… From the movies… Okay, okay- hang on… She needs to know what you wan to ask Barrymore? What’s your question?
Deirdre: Don’t say that! Felicia! Felicia: What? Is he… Hold on. Yeah? What happened? Did I get her? Ma?
Lillian: It was marvelous! Felicia: Did you see anything? A sign? A woman with rhinestone glasses?
Lillian: As far as we know. Felicia: I’m sorry, you know… Ma’s really the only one I get. It’s emotional, there’s got to be a real need. Andy, I’m sorry.
Deirdre: He could still appear. Felicia: Sometimes you gotta bribe ’em- the spirits. You need something they really liked, when they were alive. Especially the first contact.
Deirdre: Really? What did your mother like? What did you use? Felicia: It was tough, I tried everything. Jewelry, sponge cake, finally I just said Ma, it’s after ten, the rates are down. Bingo! Should we try again?
Lillian: Oh Rally, where is your sense of adventure? Television has ruined you. I must go. I only wanted to look at the place. Felicia: I’d better split too. Before it starts pouring.
Lillian: But I need to negotiate, on your behalf. It is Shakespeare in the Park. It is non-profit. I will make them bleed. Felicia: It’s a great space. Don’t listen to me, I say that in cabs. Someday they’re gonna say, Andrew Rally lived here!
Andrew: Out! Felicia: Bye, kids!
Act 2 Felicia: Oh my. What got into him?
Deirdre: Isn’t it incredible? It’s Barrymore! Andrew says this is exactly what it used to look like! He says it’s been helping him, to get in the mood. Felicia: Well I hope he’s there- in the mood. It’s opening night!
Deirdre: Opening night! Hamlet! Felicia: So where is he? Doesn’t he have to get to the theatre?
Deirdre: He’s upstairs, getting ready, on the roof. He’s in costume, too, he wears it everywhere. And he talks to Barrymore. Felicia: Really? He got through?
Deirdre: No, he just imagines. I catch him at it all the time. Do you think he’s here? Watching over us? Felicia: Barrymore?
Deirdre: Yes! Oh John Barrymore, wherever you are! Bless this evening! Bless Andrew! Felicia: Honey, you better calm down.
Deirdre: I know, I’ve been like this all day, all week, I can’t sit still… Felicia: What?
Deirdre: Nothing. Felicia- how do you know? If you’re really in ultimate love? If it’s… Shakespeare? Felicia: What’s to know? Andy’s the best. I mean, he’s a star, he must have girls coming outta the woodwork.
Deirdre: That’s true. It’s just- sometimes I think I’ll never marry anyone. I mean, anyone alive. Felicia: Hon?
Deirdre: I’ve always wanted to be Joan of Arc, or Juliet, or Guinevere. And I want to love someone like Hamlet, or King Arthur, or Socrates. Felicia: You’re rich right?
Deirdre: No- why? Felicia: Well, the way you think, I mean I love it, but, you don’t have to make a living, right?
Gary: Oh, sorry. Hey- big night! Hot stuff! Felicia: I can’t wait!
Deirdre: He won’t! He’s going to be glorious! Don’t even think that! Felicia: I hope he’s good. Although, you know, with Shakespeare- how can you tell?
Gary: Photographers? Felicia: Really?
Gary: You know, when I heard you were going through with this, I went, hey, maybe Andy’s right. Maybe I should just chuck everything, leave LA, just produce, direct, and write Shakespeare. But I woke up. Your turn, Andy boy. I gotta car downstairs- anybody? Felicia: A car? A limo?
Gary: You do real estate, right? You gotta come to Beverly Hills. Felicia: I know, I dream about it. Beverly Hills- that’s my Hamlet.
Gary: We’re going, we’re going! Felicia: We’ll see you after. Look at you! You are so adorable! Just like Peter Pan, but for evening!
Barrymore: Three million dollars? When would you need me? Felicia: Gar?
Gary: Babe-in the car. Felicia: We’re gonna miss the plane.
Andrew: Felicia? Felicia: Hi, hon.
Andrew: In the kitchen. Felicia: Hon, what can I say? Last night- were you terrific or what? I mean, the part that I saw.
Andrew: The part you saw? Felicia: Well, I caught the first act, where you were so confused. But at intermission I got thirsty, and Gary has a bar in the limo, and- Andy, I’m sorry. One thing led to another!
Barrymore: Perfection! Felicia: Yeah! And all thanks to you- and Shakespeare!
Andrew: So you only saw one act- both of you? Felicia: Honey, I’m sorry. So how did it end? You’re king now, right?
Andrew: No- Felicia, are you going away with Gary? Felicia: Yeah, to LA. Long weekend. This is a great place. I told you. I just wish we could’ve contacted Barrymore. But I’ve been thinking- you know, maybe ghosts don’t really exist. Even Ma, maybe it’s all in my mind. No afterlife, no other side-nothing.Who knows?
Andrew: Aren’t you flying somewhere? Felicia: We’ll call you!

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