Hal Webster- Barbecuing Hamlet

Excuse me. Is this where they’re having the auditions for Hamlet? That’s what you said about ‘Man if La Mancha’. And we had to fumigate that one.
We’re engaged. Oh you KNOW him then.
We should be. We’re not engaged
Pleased to meet all of you. There’s no pizza left.
No. I just dropped by to visit my best girl. Whom I have missed more than I can say. Please, oh please, oh please!
They seem like nice people. Uh HUH! They’re not nice people? That… is the fine arts council
Now, you’ve said that before SO many times. What’s so bad about THIS bunch? Oh, Hal! I don’t know what I’m going to do.
Try me. Go on, tell the doctor where it hurts. You wouldn’t believe me If i told you.
Yeah. Where do I begin? You remember the ‘Texas Chainsaw Massacre’?
Hon, its community theater, what did you expect? I think I know why he did it.
Oh, I know. They figure they’re the worlds greatest little theater group of the worlds most talented little theater group. A community! Or a theater!
You just need to get to know them better, that’s all. They’re the worlds most dangerous little theater group.
How do you mean? Get to know..?! Let me tell you about these people. Talk about a confederacy of dunces! These people are loony toons.
What about the others? Well, first there’s a guy named sarge. Thinks he knows everything and hates everybody. Nobody will admit it but he runs the place. And the others!
For instance? The fine arts council. What a dysfunctional groups THIS is.
Everybody has personality flaws, Hon, you can’t… you uh.. you can just IMAGINE what would happen if these people HEARD what you were saying about them. Huh? If they HEARD what you were saying? Where do I begin?……….. What a mouse, no personality, no incentive, she just sits there like a lump.
They’re gone. Oh, listen… … these wonderful people I’m working with.
Yeeeaaaahhhh. Uh… people?? Excuse me!!….. … may I present Hamlet.
“Ay, marry, why was he sent into England? How came he mad? How strangely?” (Lights up)
“Upon what ground? How long will a man lie in the earth ere he rot?” Not yet!
“Why is he more than another?”….”More than another?” We cut that line!
Go ahead. Hang on. Were you through.
“Alas, poor Yorick, I knew him, Horatio. A fellow of infinite jest.” “The king’s jester!”
“Alas, poor Yorick, I knew him, Horatio. A fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy. He hath borne me on his back a thousand times. Here hung those lips which I have kissed.” Knock it off back there! I’m in a graveyard, for crying out loud!
“Where are your gibes now? Your gambols? Your songs? Your flashes of merriment! Yuck pui.
“Where are your gibes now? Your gambols? Your songs?” Sarge, could you stop hammering for a minute? Try it again.
I wasn’t the one who called you an idiot! I just said maybe you ought to spend more time going over your lines. (Lights up)
Hon, not so loud. Mrs Blankton… Shut up! All of you! We have been rehearsing for four days now and we are losing ground! We are roughly where we were before we ever met!
Does that mean..? Lovely, Opal. It’s not you. It’s not any of you. It’s the whole set up. Hamlet with six actors?! I must’ve been out of my mind to even THINK we could pull this off.
There you go, Hon. Now we have ten actors. You… you did that for me?
So? You feel better about the play now? Oh, don’t think anything of it, dear.
Margo? NO!
What? Holy smoke!
This is Hamlet? Actors!
An awful lot of fringe. What have I gotten you into?
Don’t you mean “Saddles and Stirrup”? What’s the name of that place? Oh, yeah, “Saddles and Syrup.”
If you take any photos of this show, I will personally burn them. It’s taken care of. Not too fast, the fringe flails out and makes you look like ginger rogers.
You’re starting to make up this stuff now, aren’t you? I used to until I got kicked out by one of the waiters.
WHAT? What if our skull shattered?
We’ll be fun, Hon. don’t worry. This is going to be great!
Speak the speech, I pray you, as I pronounce it to you, trippingly on the tongue. But if you mouth it, as many of your players do, I’d as lief the town crier spoke my lines…. y’all. Nor, do not saw the air too much with your hand thus! But use all gently. Oh, it offends me to soul to hear a robustious periwig-pated… cowpoke… tear a passion to tatters. Be not too tame neither but let your own discretion be your tutor. (Lights up)
Oh, reform it altogether. And let those that play your clowns speak no more the. Is set down for them. Cloe Humphmeyer, who teaches piano on weekdays. Specializing in the classics, Cloe is the one to see for all your keyboard needs. Located at the corner of Platt and Farmore, she is also available for weddings.
How now, sir. Will Claude king, my stepfather, hear this piece of work? Hidy!
Players, I bid you make haste. And yore mama, the cattle queen too, and that presently.
My dear horatio, the is a play tonight before Claude king. One scene of it comes near the circumstance which I have told thee if my father’d death. On the horse we rode in on.
”Tis true. I’ll have grounds more relative than this. The plays the thing, wherein I’ll catch the conscience of the king. Now, I prithee… Go on with you!
When this see’st that act afoot, observe my uncle, the cattle baron. Give him heedful notice. Prithee.
Whatever. They are coming to the play, I must be idle. Get you a place! I will gaze upon him as if he were fried chicken.
Excellent. Guide you to the place where From you may witness the play. Are the players ready? How fares it, Hamlet?
No good mother. There’s metal more attractive. Come hither, my good Hamlet. And sit by me.
My lord! No! It’s back! The charley horse! AAH!
Uncle, what is it? My leg!
Ah, your only jig maker. What should a man do but be merry? It’s not helping!
What? Oh, what fools these mortals be.
How… loudly my stepfathers conscience sounds. As if some rapping.. Mrs. Blankton!
What are you doing? Tapping, tapping at my chamber door. ”’Tis some visitor, I muttered, quoth the raven, nevermore.
We are left to our own devices. I-I-I… shall attend to my husbandS save my place.
Let us hie thee to the nearby graveyard, that I may gather my wits. If thou hast and idea, I suggest we trot it out now… I prithee.
Ah, the grave and the grave maker. Has this fellow no feeling of his business? The GRAVE! And the GRAVE MAKER! Has this FELLOW no feeling of his BUSINESS?! Lead on, MacDuff.
Y’all Custom hath him a property of easiness.
Ay, marry, why was he sent to england? How can he mad? How strangely? How long will a man lie in the earth ere he rot? Why is he more than another? Skull? Here we have come as visitors, come from abroad.
Let me see? Oop! This same skull, sir, was Yorick’s skull, the King’s.. I mean, Claude King’s jester, uh… sidekick.
Let us while away a brief- and I mean BRIEF moment ere he returns. He’s going to join a covenant?
May we pause in remembrance of past events. My uncle hath Slain my father to usurp his power and my mother, eh? SOOOooo…
But it will be his undoing mark me. And soon we shall proceed. Ah, ye olde instant replay.
There’s something rotten in the state of Denmark From your mouth to Gods ears.
Would’st that something would occur? Let us not order the cheese.
Laertes? Be careful what thou wishes for.
September 13, 2019