Barbecuing Hamlet – Margo Daley lines – act 2 scene 1

DUNCAN: La la la la la. Me me me me me. Oowah, oowah, oowah, oowah, ooooooowah. Toy boat, toy boat, toy boat, toy boat, toy boat… Hello? Hello, is anyone in the booth? Leo! Are you there, Leo? HellO?!
LAMAR: This play is killing me. Hello? Wait! EVERYBODY! I’m trying to hear Leo in the booth. Thank you. Okay, go ahead. Hello? Leo!
TAMARA: Margo, we need to hold the curtain. What?
TAMARA: We need to hold the curtain! Hang on! EVERYBODY! Whatever you are doing, do it quietly!
TAMARA: I said we need to hold the curtain. How come?
TAMARA: Because the barbecue is really selling out there. Barbecue and Shakespeare, what a combination. LEO! Where IS he?
TAMARA: There you go. Leo, we’re going to need to hold the curtain for a few minutes. I’ll tell you when we go.
OPAL: Margo, this thing takes place in the Old West, right? That was the last bulletin I got.
OPAL: Then how come I have a sword? Because you kept ASKING for a sword! From day one!
OPAL: I could think of it as a saber. I got it in the calvary. CAValry. Fine, it’ll fit right in. It’ll fit right in?! I’m starting to talk like you!
TAMARA: Oh, some of your actors may not know this, but during the beginning of the play they really need to talk loudly. I told them to project.
TAMARA: Whatever, for the first fifteen minutes you’re going to hear a lot of the audience sucking on their fingers. Huh?
TAMARA: It’s the barbecue, it’s kind of annoying. You just HAD to serve ribs, right?
HOPE: That’s how they do it at the Globe. You keep SAYING that. They do NOT serve barbecue at the Globe Theater in England.
DUNCAN: Does anyone know if the critic is here? There’s a CRITIC?
TAMARA: Harlen Dortmunger. He runs the feed and fertilizer store. Critic and fertilizer salesman.
ZOEY: MArgo, about the part when I play the ghost of Hamlet’s father? What about it?
ZOEY: What’s my motivation? Your what?
ZOEY: What’s the subtext there? Now, Zoey, I TOLD you not to read anything, didn’t I?
HOPE: They use that all the time at… (with Hope) The Globe Theater!Yeah I heard.
LAMAR: I found your skull. WHAT?!
TAMARA: Sarge! Need a repair! Give me that!
TAMARA: Little sullduggery behind the platform over there. Is that all?
LAMAR: Depends. Do you want him to look like he ate a lot of sugar? What?
SARGE: Give it to me, I’ll take care of it. We need this ASAP.
HAL: Margo? What?
HOPE: Geez, you look like the awning over at that western store. What have I gotten you into?
HAL: An awful lot of fringe. Turn around.
TAMARA: And don’t forget to work their name into the show! It’s taken care of. Not too fast, the fringe flails out and makes you look like Ginger Rogers.
HAL: You’re starting to make up this stuff now, aren’t you? Okay, Everybody? Over here for a quick meeting.Come on. We got five minutes here.
THEODORA: Don’t pad your part, dear. I TOLD you, you’re no longer King Claudius, you’re Claude King, cattle baron.
DUNCAN: I STILL don’t see people in the Old West using words like “thou” and “prithee.” Just stick in a “y’all” every chance you think about it. Wait, where’s Mary Beth?
MARY BETH: Sorry! sorry, I’m late. I can’t find my chaps. Ooh! whose teeth are these? Get over here!
HOPE: Oh no, it’s the tartar sauce all over again. Now, listen up. Now. I know everyone’s a little bit nervous. Don’t worry about that. Even the best actors get nervous.
OPAL: Then we should be panic-stricken. Just do the best you can. You will be surprised what you are capable of once you get in front of an audience. The audience is our guests. And you are their guides, their teachers. YOU are showing them the eloquence and genius that is William Shakespeare. YOU are displaying a craft, an art borne of a time long ago. YOU are transporting them by your acting, by your portrayals, out of their everyday, humdrum existence into another world. And I can only think of two words to give you, my last direction to guide you at this time… Don’t stop.
LAMAR: What? Whatever you do, keep going. I don’t care if you forget a line or miss a cue, keep going.
BUDGIE: What if we forget what part we are playing? Keep going.
DUNCAN: What if there is a fire? Sarge is used to it, keep going.
HAL: WHAT? Nothing, don’t worry about it. Keep going! Now, are we all ready? Okay, Leo’s back in the booth now. Go to your opening scene places.
HAL: We’ll be fine, hon. Don’t worry. I HOPE so. Leo? Leo!
PHONE VOICE (LEO): What?! Remember, the final line. Duncan says, “But let this same be presently performed.” Got that? When he says, “But let this same be presently performed,” that ends the play and you kill the lights.
PHONE VOICE: I got it. I got it! You think I’m an idiot? You want a show of hands? What is it dear?
MARY BETH: I’m scared. We’re ALL scared, dear. And if the audience knew what was in that barbecue, THEY’D be scared, too.
MARY BETH: But… Just do your lines and you’ll be fine.
MARY BETH: But how? Like it says in the play, “Speak the speech, I pray you, as I pronounce it to you, trippingly on the tongue…”
August 2, 2019