Barbecuing Hamlet – Margo Daley lines – act 1 scene 3

DUNCAN: Sarge didn’t audition, remember? And you can’t count the pizza guy.
TAMARA: Oh, I don’t know. He had good projection, you could hear him from the back row. He’s a pizza guy.
TAMARA: Well, he wasn’t BORN a pizza guy. I’m sure he has aspirations. Oh, yeah, I talked to him, he does. He hopes they make him a cashier by the end of the year.
HOPE: Is anybody going to eat that last piece? Rousing start? I have to cast a show which calls for over 30 characters, not counting extras. And I have four people audition. Now including you four, that makes eight.
MARY BETH: Don’t include us. Huh?
TAMARA: No, we can’t be in the show. You can’t be in the…
MARY BETH: Oh! “No member of the Fine Arts Council may audition for any show as it would constitute a conflict of interest, as said members may have chosen a property in which they themselves might showcase their own talents and thereby prejudice the casting of other members.” It’s a DUMB rule. How am I going to cast a show with four people?
HOPE” Is ANYbody going to eat… Take it, take it.
TAMARA: This is where you get to know out little community here. Huh?
HOPE: They do it all the time at the Globe theater. Wait, doesn’t Hamlet take place in Denmark? Why?
HOPE: Well, then, we shouldn’t be eating pizza, we should be eating Danishes. Oh…
TAMARA: Yes, it is and your’e not too late. Margo! Hm?
TAMARA: Sucker. What? Oh my…!
TAMARA: Uuuh Margo? Excuse me. Everybody, I’d like you to meet Hal Webster.
HOPE: Yes, and we saw what you were engaged in. We are not engaged.
HAL: We should be. Here, allow me to retrieve at least some of my manners. This is Tamara.
TAMARA: Hello. That’s Mary Beth. Duncan. And Hope.
TAMARA: Are you auditioning for the show? Please, oh please, oh please!
TAMARA: Let us know if you need anything. That… is the Fine Arts Council.
HAL: They seem like nice people. Uh HUH! They’re NOT nice people? Oh, Hal! I don’t know what I am going to do.
HAL: Now, you’ve said that before SO many times. What’s bad about THIS bunch? You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.
HAL: Try me. Go on, tell the doctor where it hurts. Where do I begin? You remember the Texas Chainsaw Massacre?
HAL: Yeah. I think I know why he did it.
HAL: Hon, it’s community theater, what did you expect? A community. Or a theater!
HAL: Oh, I know. They figure they’re the world’s greatest little theater group or the worlds most talented little theater group. They’re the world’s most dangerous little theater group.
HAL: You just need to get to know them better, that’s all. Get to know…?! Let me tell you about these people. Talk about a confederacy of dunces. These people are loony toons.
HAL: How do you mean? Well, First there’s a guy named Sarge. Thinks he knows everything and hates everybody. Nobody will admit it but he runs the place. And the others!
HAL: What about the others? The Fine Arts Council. What a dysfunctional group THIS is.
HAL: For instance? Where do I begin? Take Tamara, the President? She hasn’t a clue what she’s doing. Tries to run everything but doesn’t know how and doesn’t even KNOW she doesn’t know how. And then there’s Hope. Talk about somebody who was misnamed! I bet her middle name is Les. Gripes about everything and has never had an unexpressed thought. I bet she sleeps in a coffin. And then there’s Duncan. All he does is tell these long, pointless stories… which usually end up with someone being dismembered or arrested! And last AND least, there’s Mary Beth, the secretary for the group. Mary Beth is so pitiful. What a mouse, no personality, no incentive, she just sits there like a lump.
HAL: Everybody has personality flaws, Hon, you can’t… You uh… you can just IMAGINE what would happen if these people HEARD what you were saying about them. Huh? If they HEARD what you were saying? Oh, listen, I wouldn’t dare… oh, I wouldn’t DARE mention that these are just SOME of the stories I’ve heard spread around town about these wonderful people I’m working with.
SARGE: Nice save. I LIKE you! And that… was Sarge.

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